Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
