I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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