i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
