I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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