Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
