I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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