Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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