My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
