Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
