There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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