You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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