I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
