I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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