Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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