he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
