I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
