i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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