im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
