We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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