My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
