I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
