Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
