i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Randomize
