omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
