He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
