I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Randomize
