the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize