I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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