I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
