Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
