mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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