the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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