So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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