I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
