i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
