I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
