I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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