my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
