Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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