I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
