he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
