I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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