Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
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