The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
