I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
