if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
