In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
