Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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