I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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