Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
