i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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