I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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