I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
