I think my fart just growled at me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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