I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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