I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
